I was working on my thesis looking at the themes turning the pages and as usual I reached a point of saturation where the mind just stops. All I could think of was trauma…..what is trauma???
I remember myself a year or so back standing on a fancy dias speaking to a group of intellectuals on trauma. I told them it’s beyond ur worst nightmares. It’s scary and it’s shattering and i used many flowery (read touching) connotations to emotionally engage them to my talk. I remember the awe in their eyes and I remember the surprise in mine for I didn’t know I could have that impact on that gathering. I didn’t know trauma could do that, because it was just a word!!!!
Fast forward to 2016, here I am and the same word has taken so much significance for me that I want to hide away from it. Yes that is its significance, for it has become so sacred n so personal that I just want to hide it some where, save it for a time when it won’t hurt this much. Life happens, it changes people but at all the stages we have certain fears, certain insecurities. It amazes me how it all changes as we grow up. If I go back a few years I used to be so scared of losing. I remember I would pray that may Allah never ever make me lose the people that I love but if I look at myself now I am concerned at to how to keep the people that I love in the most fulfilling way. How to live a life that wouldn’t have regrets and how to not miss a single hug, kiss, or that smile for I don’t know what my next step brings. I don’t know what looms large over our heads behind the shadows of the trees and walls ready to scare us to death.
As I grew up I didn’t want to be scared I wanted to be concerned, that I wasn’t able to do. That’s what trauma taught me, it made me concerned, by making my worst fears come true, it has taught me to be watchful and to live in the present. It has taught me that nothing that I behold is mine in the true sense if I don’t live it. If you live it, no one can take it away from you no matter if it’s a person or a memory; make it a part of your existence.
I guess there would be a time when it wouldn’t hurt this much…trauma teaches you to breath, to hold on till it all gets easier.